Callaghan O’Hare
Second Place
University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill
$2,000 Scholarship
- Elizabeth Eichen submerges her body in a warm bubble bath after a long, stressful day. She said she likes to take time at the end of the day to unwind, collect herself and try to find a semblance of inner peace. "ED is not so loud in here," she said.
Elizabeth, a 21-year-old student at North Carolina State University, has been actively battling cycles of bingeing and purging for the last eight years. She calls her eating disorder ED as a reminder that her negative thoughts do not reflect how she feels about herself. I'm treating mental illness like regular illness, she said. "ED is an invader," Elizabeth said. "ED sounds like me. If I close my eyes ED looks like sick me, but in reality it's just a voice in my head. And I want to get rid of it." - Elizabeth, who is seeking treatment for her eating disorder, participates in a blind weigh-in at her nutritionist's office. Elizabeth's nutritionist requires her to track her food intake and record how she feels after eating each meal. It is difficult for Elizabeth to follow a diet plan because of her fear of gaining weight. As a result, Elizabeth will go for long periods of time without eating and then binge, feel guilty and subsequently purge.
- Elizabeth tries to drown out ED's voice in her head. ED likes tell me things like "I'm not pretty enough, skinny enough - whatever," Elizabeth said. "After a while you can't help but believe them." Some days recovery is easier than others. Elizabeth calls her worst days "ED days." "Just because I'm seeking treatment doesn't mean ED has gone away," Elizabeth said. "It's not necessarily quieter either. I'm just learning to cope with it."
- After meeting with her therapist, who is trying to help Elizabeth manage her depression and anxiety, Elizabeth purges in a public restroom. "Its funny, my therapist always says making yourself throw up won't make you feel any better but it really really does," Elizabeth said. "It's the only time ED is silent - that's the reward."
- Elizabeth tries to follow the meal plan her nutritionist provided for her. She said that she has to force every single cheerio down one by one. "ED will sit there and say 'do you really want to put that cheerio in your mouth?'" Elizabeth said. "I'll have to ask myself 'was that Elizabeth or ED?' 'Who do I want to listen to?'"
- Elizabeth sits in her room while her roommates prepare to go out for an evening. She often misses out on social gatherings to avoid the calories or seeing herself in a mirror. "I don't want this to be my college experience," Elizabeth said. "I'm so tired of being sad."
- Elizabeth showers after writing positive adjectives about herself on the walls. "These adjectives are my way of recognizing that I am not my eating disorder and it's not working," Elizabeth said.
- A classmate looks at Elizabeth during their social work course. Attending school is very difficult for Elizabeth, but she hopes to one day become a social worker. "People get this idea that to engage in your eating disorder means to binge or purge, but no, "Elizabeth said. "It's every time I look at someone else and think 'are her thighs bigger than mine?' It's a huge mental battle that is absolutely constant."
- Elizabeth goes shopping at Target before going out with her friends. "When people picture someone with an eating disorder, they picture someone who is anorexic," Elizabeth said. "You might be able to see your ribs or things like that...You don't look fat, and you don't have to shop in the plus size section." She said ED reminds her that she has failed at having an eating disorder because she is not skinny. "I just want to look in the mirror and like what I see," Elizabeth said.
- Elizabeth has a light-hearted moment while out on the town when a young man approaches her as she waits for her friends to grab a bite to eat from a food truck. "If I'm with my friends yeah, I'll have fun, but if I leave and catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror, my whole mood can change," Elizabeth said. "Tonight I'm going to choose not to look in a mirror."
- After her night, out Elizabeth runs to the toilet and purges. "ED is always going to be there," Elizabeth said. "I don't think there is such a thing as full recovery. I just have to find a way to deal with my self hatred."
Elizabeth said eating disorder recovery is like a roller coaster. "It's ups and downs and going way to fast and way to slow," she said. "It's taking two steps forward and three steps back. It's a lifelong roller coaster."
She said she hopes to one day recover to the point where she can say no to ED. - Elizebeth's boyfriend Thakur comforts her during "a terrible ED day." She said that his presence is the only thing keeping her from making herself throw up uncontrollably. "Sometimes the best way to say no to ED is to distract myself," Elizabeth said. "When I'm with Thakur I can do that."
- Elizabeth goes to swim at the gym. Before she started treatment, she considered facing her fear of exercising one of the biggest hurdles she needed to overcome. "I know it may not seem like much, but I'm taking baby steps," she said. "I think I'll eventually get there. ED is here, but so am I."